| For those who add me as a friend... I don't really update this journal anymore as you can see :P You can find me on xanga if you have one. www.xanga.com/dontwannabefragile | |
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| Wow I can't believe it was so long ago that I last posted an entry. I actually was 114 lbs lol :)
Since I got accepted to proanorexia, I prefer writing everything there and not here. But I thought I'd update you with some news.
Height: 165 cm (5'5)
Current weight: 108 lbs
Highest weight: 125 lbs
Lowest weight: 108 lbs
I managed to lose 6 lbs in a month I think. But I cant seem to go lower now. I really wanna start my diet so hard again. I uploaded some recent pictures. Why do I see I look fatter than on the 114 lbs ones??
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| Hey there! I made some new pictures recently. I weighed 51,9 kg (114 lbs), yaaay! I can't wait to reach my goal weight. Please comment, I'd like to know if you see any difference? Here are the before pics from 57 and 53 kgs CLICK I took these now, I think I can see some change... Picture 1 Picture 2 Picture 3 How is everyone doing? I'm off in a minute to babysit my nieces. I'm soo sleepy... I'm craving for some chocolate... I'll NEVER be able to live without sweet so I guess I'll just remain a fat pig for all my life O.o Awww. I'm living on 700 kcals these days which works perfectly with my superfast metabolism. It doesn't slow down but I keep losign weight. When I'm able not to go over 700 lol. I think I'm quite good for today. Take care guys and stay strong :) Love you all ^^ | |
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| I think I'm going too far. I got 4 Adipex to use this week. Am I really taking diet pills to get skinny?? I never thought it could happen. I don't know if everyone knows about Adipex? I dunno if it's there in every countires. Well, basicly it takes away your hunger for all day and makes you run up and down all day so you don't eat but "exercise". Well, it doesn't really work for me the way it should. I took 1 on Monday. I wasn't hungry aaall day but I became so slow I couldn't say 1 sensible sentence. The only thing I wanted to do was sleeping. I took 1 today too. I was neither faster nor slower and I was VERY hungry. I still am. I don't get it, why isn't it working fo me properly? | |
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| I am SO hungry!! I scaled myself and realised I gained 2 whole pounds! Though I scaled myself in the afternoon because I wasn't home in the morning so I ate before I did but still. It makes me feel horrible. Not to mention the 2 chocolates and the cookie I ate today. I only eat very little normal food though. I decided to stop chocolate once and for all. I hate it, I could have lost SO MUCH MORE if I haven't eaten so much chocolate.
So now I feel very hungry. Dunno what to do. I can't wait for school to start on Monday. I'll go out every day, I'll go to classes which will burn a LOT of calories and I have many classes in the afternoon so I won't have to go home to eat. It's only 1 more day! I want to achieve my goal so badly and I want to achieve it by New Years Eve. Stay strong and think thin everyone!! | |
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| I feel soooo hungry right now, I can't think of anything else than food, I'm afraid I'm going to binge, I want to eat bread or pasta or something fattening and high in calories, aaaaaaaaw someone tell me something please :((((((
I'm strong yet. | |
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| I can't believe it! I lost almost another pound since yesterday! :) I'm getting closer and closer to my goal :) I scaled myself this morning and I was 115.7 lbs (52,5 kg). That's nearly another pound! I alraedy lost 10 since I started but I still can't really see it lol. Yesterday I hardly eat anything all day but I had to go to a dinner with my band. I managed to eat very little there, only a slice of meat, 3 slices of potato and vegetables. I ate very slowly so by the time I finished everyone ate like 2 meals so it wasn't suspicious or anything :) The only thing I ruined was the cookie, there was a DELICIOUS cookie cut in little pieces and I ate 4 pieces but I just couldn't resist... But never mind, I still lost weight :) Ate today: - Milky Way (107) - Little pasta with vegetables (around 100) - Cocoa (around 70) - 1 plate of sorrel with potato (around 300) So it's around 600 again. I hope I won't eat anything else today. I'll drink some coffee (even though I never do) it will take away my appetite.  | |
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| I am soo sooo soooo happy!! Ok, it's not that big deal but I'm still glad about it :)
First, I didn't ruin my day yesterday evening, I only ate a little popcorn of my friends' but it really wasn't much. And now I lost another pound!! And one more good thing, my boyfriend told me this morning that he gained like 10 lbs since we started going out and I said I gained that much exactly too (and then saw my chance) and that I didn't have that 10 lbs anymore. He said "yeah, I can see that" and said I keep losing weight since my stomach hurts. That's really cool! I'm very very afraid of him because he'd surely leave me if I had an eating disorder and he wouldn't like how I looked at all if I was really skinny but it seems that he doesn't think that. There is something wrong with my stomach, it hurts whenever I eat acid food (like lemon or tomato) or spicy food (we had to go to the hospital twice in the middle of the night because it hurt so badly) but I still don't know what's wrong with it. I alraedy did 2 tests but both were negative and the doctors says I might have a biginning stomachic ulcer. But anyway, here are my facts again, updated:
Age: 21
Height: 5'4
BMI: 19,47
Highest weight: 125 lbs (57 kg)
Lowest weight: 114.5 lbs (52 kg)
Current weight: 116.5 lbs (52,9 kg)
Goal weight: 104 lbs (47 kg)
I think I'm staying on 600-700 kcals a day for now but I don't know how low I can go with it. I don't think it's low enough to reach my goal weight. But I'll keep on this as far as my weight goes down and then we'll see. It seems quite good for me actually. I'm not hungry all the time, I'm not binging, I'm not depressed and I'm still losing weight. I think it's because I was never fat (like really fat) I ate all day but didn't gain any weight (until recently) so I think my metabolism is very fast so it works for me perfectly with 600 kcals. But we'll see, I can go lower if it's necessary because I want to lose weight.
Edit:
I'm pretty good so far. It's half past 4 pm and I'm not hungry at all. I ate today:
- 1 egg for breakfast (70)
- 1 cup of cocoa (100)
And nothing more. I don't even crave for food, I don't feel hungry. I started taking my anti-depressant pills again yesterday (I had to stop taking them when my stomach started hurting) and it's a good one, it reduces your appetite (and also makes you feel sick which can be good for not eating but I don't really like it). I'm going to a big dinner tonight so I'm glad I didn't eat anything so far, I need to eat there. We get toghether with the band I'm in and order pizza or eat what they cooked and it would be kinda rude and suspicious not to accept it. I took today's pill now, I hope I won't be hungry for 2 and a half hours until the dinner.
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| Good news is that I'm still 117.5 lbs. Yaaaay! Didn't gain any weight from yesterday. Oh, and now all the chocolates are officially gone from the house! :) I ate the last 2 mini toblerones today (ok, it's 130 kcals together but it's worth the feeling) so from now on my daily sweet intake will be half a cup of cocoa. That will do it.
Ate today:
- 2 eggs for brakfast (140 kcals)
- 2 mini toblerones (130 kcals)
- 1 yoghurt (120 kcals - how can it be this high in caories??)
- 1 nectarine (49 kcals but it's negative)
439 so far.
My mum came home 15 minutes ago and said she wanted to make me a salad. I was like "Salad? Yeah, sure!" and like 10 minutes later she came to me with a HUUUGE bowl of salad, including cucumber, tomato, eggs, cheese, frankfurt sausage, and a huge amount of dressing. I was shoched when I saw it lol. Though it wasn't that bad. I started binging like crazy at first but after a few bites I stopped, got a glass of water and drank it between every bites. So I calmed down and started to select cucumber and tomato, from the part where it wasn't so full of dressing. My mum still saw me eating but I didn't eat that much. I tried to avoid egg-yolk and frankfurter sausage and cheese (which was extremely difficult as the it was white cheese and looked EXACTLY like egg-white) and after a few bites I felt full and I told myself not to eat any more thanj I really need. And it worked! I didn't eat a lot from it so I don't think it was more than between 50 and 100 kcals. I think I won't eat any more today.
So it's around 500 kcals for now. | |
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| I feel like being honest now. I'll write down everything that bothers me so I'll feel better.
I ate again this evening. My day was quite good, only 200 kcals of sweets and a slice of pizza. Somehow, I always screw up in the evening. I get hungry and I see food and I can't resist. Ok, this was only meat, no pasta, only a little sauce on it. I used to eat very very very much but never gained any weight and I looked just normal. Now I eat around 5-700 kcals a day and feel it's too much. I gained 3 kgs since I have a boyfriend and it all started then. I used to talk about losing weight aaaall the time and he was like I was anorexic just because I showed him those extra skinny girls I wanted to be like. He said he wouldn't like me if I was that skinny... And I didn't only tell him but many of my friends too. Now I feel so stupid, I have to take extra care of them not noticing that I'm not eating because I told them previously I had these intensions... How stupid of me??? I just wanted to get attention and now I want to really lose weight without getting any attention. Pathetic, lol. I'm here at my bf's house again and here I'm always tempted to eat. But I won't eat any more after that meat. My boyfriend is eating bread with cheese. Yummy! And I'm eating apple. Yuck. Though I think I developed a slight obcession for fruits recently :) Especially peach and nectarine. They're sweet, yummy and negative in calories!
I talked to one of my friends today. She has had an eating disorder for like 7 years but she started to recover now because I helped her and brought her to our church and our community there. She made a lot of friends there and developed a close relationship with God and He gives her strenght. I'm kinda envy (I'm VERY happy for her but not at all happy for myself) because I care more about losing weight that about my faith and stuff. And it was completely opposite a while ago!! I was the one who cared a lot about believing in God and she was the one who never even heard of the Bible, and I started to help her and now she's the one who's giving me advice!! So strange. She said she never thought I could do it (well, neither did I) because I alwas gave up on the first day... Well, it's strange for me too because I didn't loose weight for a LONG time no matter how hard I tried and now my weight just started to go down... I'm glad she says she sees I lost weight but I'll not be really happy until others realise it too... Because it's not spectacular until then.
One more thing. I feel I don't belong anywhere. I don't belong to ppl with eating disorders. I joined proana but I constantly feel they're going to think I'm an outsider cause I just "started". Maybe I really am, who knows... I want to be skinnier than the average, even than the healty, like that beautiful girl I posted the picture of but I don't wanna be sooo thin like those anorexic girls, like skin and bones and dying because of ana... Is there a problem with me? Am I really out of it? I want to live my life, I want to have a family, kids, a job... And not concentrating on losing weight all my life... Is it just me?
Anyway, I just joined a weight-loss competition. I hope this will keep me motivated!! | |
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skinnyornot's journal
